BEHIND BLUE EYES
“You’re a wonderful person” he said, “intelligent, beautiful, empathic, serious, funny and a great sex partner, but…”.
Like most of the dates today, this one too started from social networks (the very same in use right now). A tall beautiful mature man with intensive blue eyes and a smile like a boy in front of a Christmas tree getting ready to mischief (and much more), who actually drove 90km to get to know me and from the start there was a great connection between us even I didn’t wanted him at first.
Having a daughter and everything he told me “…I’m not interested in a relationship but I want to see you frequently, not just for sex.” After saying that, he looked me deep in the eyes and headed to the greatest sexual experience for both of us (he confirmed). So I was OK with the situation, knowing that he never had a relationship with any man before.
A few weeks later, having breakfast at his home, he mentioned: “By the way: I’m seeing a guy since a few and I want him to be my partner.” – I was so confused that I didn’t know what to answer. He put me in his arms hugging me and whispering in my ear “Why can`t I just have both of you?” – So I thought he hadn’t decided yet so we got physical again.
Later when I went home all sank in. There wasn’t any option here. He chose the other boy. I felt miserable like never before. It was the accumulation of everything – the overkill. I did the job and cleared out all the doubts. Here we go: there comes another one, more beautiful (perfect body) and smarter than me (with a master and everything) and the result/price, or whatever you want to call it, is being abondoned.Those feelings of replacement; inferior being; ripped my soul in pieces.
I experienced a lot of pain – being mistreated in childhood, the death of my father and his twin brother as a teenager, and as an adult losing my soulmate to the world of egoism and selfishness (besides a lot more unpleasant stuff) – but this was the top/edge of everything from latest events. Tired of being used and abused too many times. Feeling myself just like an accessory people use till they get tired of it or storing it till they need it again. This man made me feel really desired and beautiful for the first time ever, just to replace me later for another one. And the worst: I can’t even blame him. No one can control his heart or get to know their deepest emotions, neither express them in the right way. So I went to bed crying, crying and clutching to my heart for hours and hours, feeling empty, useless and alone…very alone.
It took me a month to start feeling better and going back to social life and getting closer to men. The bigger picture? I helped a man finding his love and I’m learning how to say NO and not let anyone in my heart that easily – working on that part, but seems like a mission impossible (hopefully). So I decided to meet as few as possible and to concentrate on the “real” life and let the energies do their part and connect me with the correct people.