Welcome to the head of an over thinker.

Growing more independent lately, I found myself taking a step back, looking at the impact of my life choices. Managing a post breakup situation and moving abroad from family were both new to me. One was a source of suffering for a long time whilst the other was source of excitement. Yet I am convinced these two extremes where reasons of my growth. Teaching me to navigate through the best and worse independently.

This process pushed me to seek people of support. People I could trust. Rely on them as they could on me. Friends. In the midst of all of this, I realised I got along with everyone around me. That’s when a friend (now) called me a “social butterfly”. She said I had the habit of flying from one conversation to another, always mixing it up and talking to different people. At first, I took it as a compliment, because it was true: There was no one I could not stand. Of course I was closer to certain people, but I could easily approach anyone despite the various groups of friends and language barriers.

However, I then asked myself “why do I do that? Is it because I’m scared of missing out?” I remember linking it back to the idea of rejection. Having been rejected in school until I came out, I often had the feeling of missing out on things. Not being invited or included.

I thought: Maybe now that I am socially at ease, I don’t want to miss out on a thing. So I become this social butterfly seeking to catch up on everything with everyone? Or is it because I’m scared of commitment? Goodbyes do hurt in the end… and I don’t like hurting. So that would be the reason? Trying not to engage too much by changing conversation? But what about my close friends? Do I commit to them? Would I be committing less to certain people? But all these people are equally important. Or are they?

At that point, I didn’t want to be putting myself in a position where I would be attributing value or a ranking on my friends. So I stopped and probably got distracted by something.

That being said, having become aware of this tendency, I gradually forgot about it. All I needed was for that friend to help me take that step back. Help me become aware. – You know it’s happening, and you know it’s going to happen – and as my ex would say, “Why focus your energy on trying to control something that can’t be?”

Since this episode, I filtered through my life unconsciously. I found myself spending more time with people I care about as contact faded with others. And now I am left with the ‘good stuff’. Social butterflying still happens but I don’t think about it. I even feel good about it. Now taking the time and power of filtering the people in my life is uplifting. I feel that I have more quality interactions with people that surround me. And It feels good, but it’s work in progress.

Welcome to the head of an over thinker, at times only.