When I was young and growing up in the country I always thought life is endless. Of course it is not. I always thought I had an incredible number of ways to shape my life. That is probably the case. But I was too inexperienced and without self-esteem. I have only discovered and used a very small part of these possibilities for myself. A really far too small part. Now in my mid-forties, I become too painfully aware of this. Maybe it’s never too late.
About a year ago I started standing naked model for photos. It gives me a self-confidence that I’ve been missing all my life so far. For me, being naked in front of the camera means freedom. I remember being naked as a young man, but only in secret. I was very dissatisfied with my body, insecure and without self-confidence. I had to start getting my body in shape through gym and yoga, only then did I dare to pose in front of the camera.
Before I had my first real boyfriend and sex, I gained my first experiences in cinema. Glory Holes and jerk off. I was a shy country boy and tried it with the girls in the village for a long time until I had to admit that my interest in men is not only platonic. But how should I live out my interest? So I tried it in a cinema. Not a particularly good experience, but a formative one.
However, I think that I have always had a penchant for exhibitionism. I went to cinemas quite regularly. The attraction that someone was watching me was very great. Most of the time I always came quite quickly, so great was the attraction. I also liked to watch others, but when they tried to touch me I mostly eluded myself or let it happen without really joining in. Afterwards I mostly felt dirty. It didn’t feel right.
Nevertheless, I kept going back there. That went on for years. Actually, it never stopped, but it has become rarer. It’s not like I don’t like touches at all. On the contrary, I enjoy being touched, but for that it needs a familiar and pleasant environment. Taking nude photos is a good way to show me without running the risk of being touched. It also has a sexual appeal, of course, but it’s more of a way of expressing myself.
Sometimes I wonder how my life would have gone if I had started expressing myself in this way earlier. It seems to me that I have wasted half of my life. That’s something that makes me sad. Repentance is not something that takes you further. Time is transient and so is the body. I have little time left in this way to strengthen my self-confidence and to preserve it, just as the photos keep me at this time of my life.
I enjoy taking photos so much, it’s almost an addiction. But this may also slow down the decay of the body a little, because the shootings spur me to keep my body attractive. The photo shoots and the increased self-esteem have also enhanced my sex life, I have sex much more often. 🙂
In the past, I kind of always had the feeling that I couldn’t really let go during sex. Sex is often associated with pressure to perform. Am I good enough? Can I satisfy mine? Of course, I am also under a similar claim in the shootings. I want to deliver good results, satisfy the photographer and be proud of me. By working with the photographers, there can also be an erotic tension, which can be very pleasant and helpful for the result. It’s always a new challenge. I don’t feel “dirty” afterwards.
At the moment I enjoy both my body and my sexual freedom, yet dream of being happy and happy with a man. We wake up next to each other in the morning, smile at each other and start our day. And when we go to bed in the evening, we sleep happily next to each other, knowing that the love of my life is next to me. Life would be marked by trust, affection, understanding and love. At the moment, it feels like it’s going to be a dream forever. Are we human beings created for monogamous relationships? Why do we always want more or something other than what we already have?