I was sitting crossing my legs, looking through the living room door right into the terrace, passing through the kitchen. Imagining to be able to disappear , cause that shit was uncomfortable. 

I came all that way just to feel undesired? It was weird, I wanted to get out. 

I looked at him, he was close to me now. We have been talking for an hour being at the opposite ends of the living room. That proximity was disarming. He whispered something to my ear, something so direct and so cheeky. I try to not to say it out loud, because that sentence defined how than the story ended. Naming it makes it more real. 

Then he kissed me. […]

I knew it would have not been easy, we were both very complex people. We shared a lot of anxieties and worries. But we were finding shelter in each others arms. I can recall so vividly our skins touching and his natural smell. […]

We were planning to go on holidays together, but then he said it was too much for him. Again I was sitting next to him, looking through the door of my room, passing through the kitchen and peeking outside from a very low window. We discussed, our bodies getting closer, ironically. One of our silence. Nothing to say. He had to go, he had to work. He left. I came back to my room and banged on the closet. I procured a small cut on the back of my hand. 

It wasn’t like the first time, I knew it was over now. I ordered pizza and watched movies until the 3 in the morning. 

He never looked at me the same way he used to. Never again.