I carried a lot of shame about who I was and where I came from during my long closeted adolescence. Everything about me needed to remain well hidden. But once I started to open up, it all went very fast. As if I teleported to the other side of the spectrum and became extremely transparent in sharing my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, experiences. Sometimes far beyond societal boundaries of what is considered appropriate or shameful to share. And sometimes more than is necessary. But to pick something out of my great everywhere as a definition of myself for this was more difficult than I expected. I am not someone who can ‘describe themself in three words’ with careful certainty. I wouldn’t know which words stand out.
A few days ago I met with a guy, who I’ve spent a short time with once before. He lives on the other side of the world and is staying at my place for only about ten days. But whenever our paths cross, we connect. It’s mostly physical, both sexual and affectionate. We meet a comfortable level of connection to share intimacy and an amount of interest to uphold an understanding and tenderness for one another. But not enough for either of us to feel the urge to love each other more than we do now and turn this into a bigger relationship than what it is. Today we just had sex for the third time and while he is in the shower, I’m in the midst of fixing us some dinner. I don’t know why but right now I feel I know what I want to talk about.
On apps often recurring questions are: What are your kinks? What is your fetish? I don’t believe I have one. I have explored many and enjoyed some, others not so much. There are facts in my sexual history. Though I am versatile, I do express myself as more top because eight times out of ten that’s what I desire. Although every time I bottom it’s as if I forgot how gratifying that also feels. I have a forceful oral fixation as well. With some men I can devote a great deal of attention to their feet. For years I was obsessed with swallowing cum, no matter whose. (Something I came back from once I understood that my body will absorb what that load contains. I don’t mean just the possibility of an STI, but also a stranger’s energy, their stress, diet, etcetera) But if I have a fetish at all, then I think it’s falling in love. Falling in love with a person, a touch, a feeling.
I believe in energy and I believe that when we die our energy returns to the universe. So I am not concerned during my lifetime here about building a vast career, making my mark, becoming financially rich. I want to make sure that I get to experience the full range of human emotions without denying or turning away from some of them and that I keep finding momentums where I am certain that I am alive or falling in love. A connection to life, to other people, to myself, to everything and anything that catches the focus of my senses. I look back and I am grateful for the laughs, hugs, fights shared with friends or lovers, old and new ones. Also the moments where I was an embarrassing drunken fool or a jealous idiot or even the moments where I acted like a complete asshole. That I got to witness and learn what I can be and what I don’t want to be.
I remember having a fight with a friend once. We ended up yelling and crying in the street one night. It wasn’t a joyful moment but it is a precious memory to me. I remember being at a bar with friends and an ex-boyfriend, back when we were still dating (in the early days of our relationship). He was talking to a friend and I observed him from across the table. He made a facial expression to my friend because he didn’t understand a question. It was a face that would have gone unnoticed by anyone else, but it was in that face he made for barely a second that I felt for the first time with complete certainty that I was in love with him. I often don’t know what I am looking for; In life, in friendships, in a partner or even in myself. But it’s these moments that make me feel secure that I am succeeding.