I often wonder why I do porn. What attracts me to do this, what pushes me. I can only start to assume that I enjoy performing. I enjoy the fact that there is some sort of witness, that I am arousing the spectator, that this is not going in vain, this is directed to someone. It feels weird to say that without the witness sex almost doesn’t have a purpose, and I also don’t believe it. But I think that there is something about sharing the pleasure, indulging in pleasure, stimulating pleasure, performing pleasure and so on and so forth. 

Performing pleasure is an interesting one as it could almost sound like I am faking pleasure, but I am not. The fact that the action becomes performative is an extra value, it’s the added kink. Ohh, how I miss the saunas, fucking with strangers surrounded by a group of other strangers passing by, witnessing, touching, enjoying themselves, getting inspired by what they are watching. The fact that not only you are pleasuring yourself and your partner(s) but that you are enhancing and expanding this pleasure to the other people around you who might not be involved in the action. Sweaty bodies moving in a dance that we all know and we get to discover by doing. 

Ohh, the sauna. Ohh, the beach, walking in the dunes and getting a glimpse of naked people scouting for situations. Scouting for a look, for an invitation and an opportunity to join someone. Recording porn at the beach might be one of my favourite things to do. Not only being watched but knowing that who is watching knows what I am doing. You are documenting pleasure, making sure it will be used later on by or for someone else. And of course, porn is not only as romantic as I described it, of course there is violence, exploitation, dangerous stereotypes and tired archetypes being played over and over again. 

And of course porn is problematic, or better, the way the majority of porn is made is problematic. But let me giggle for a second let me indulge in the illusion that in all of that the main focus is on pleasure, on sharing pleasure. Let me dream for a second about a reality where porn is many things, where porn in some cases is pure art, pure pedagogy, pure joy, pure diversity in bodies and narratives. Let me dance to the sound of ethical porn, made to create positive and interesting stories about sex. Because this is what I miss from the majority of porn I stumbled upon, I miss interesting stories. Let me believe that the majority of the porn that is distributed is made by people who have something to say or to share about sex. 

I think I ask myself often “how do I make interesting porn/erotica”. If I repeat the word “porn” enough will its stigma disappear? Will it modify such a broken and corrupted history? Will I shake that word enough to make all the unwanted and toxic violence go away and let different stories appear? 

I sound like a fool and cheesy old writer, I know. I think my favorite part of porn and erotica is making it. The action, the fact that bodies pleasure themselves and perform it, they expand it to the outside, they do it for you, and for themselves. To look into the camera while I am feeling pleasure might be one of the biggest kinks I have. Wondering what the photographer is thinking about. Who is the photographer? Are they part of the action? Are they outside of it? Ahhh that chemistry rushes all over the room and it is followed by someone, someone searching for the right angle. Someone creating a window for the future spectators.

And again, forgive this romantic trip about what porn means to me, forgive this slope of cheesiness that overlooked all the important and nuanced questions and critiques about porn, money, bodies, capitalization and marketing. Just condone my behavior for a couple of minutes and enjoy this fantasy of utopian porn. Just join me in this chant for the porn that is for us and about us.